OT:Muley goes to Walmart

OT:Muley goes to Walmart

Banned From Wal Mart

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Muley went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure
that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening he
had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of Walmart's patented
"You're definitely going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit
hot to the point of being painful,which comes with a written guarantee
from me that if you eat the next day both of your ***** cheeks WILL
fall off.

Here's the thing. He had awakened that morning, and even after two
cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
"Mulay's Movement #2".

Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through his
intestinal tract, He appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by his next door neighbors as morning thunder and
lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just
when, he bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery
store that he often haunted in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. Muley selected a
cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It
wasn't until he was at the opposite end of the store from the
restrooms that the pain hit him.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us
at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a
revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through his
small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and
before he could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which
would bring sweet relief, it happened!

The peppers fired a warning shot!

There Muley stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly
enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been
recorded. He was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor
might escape his ass. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to
leave the lower part of his body, and he began to move up the aisle
and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made him do it, but he stopped to see what her
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn
in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm
sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

He could've warned that poor woman but didn't. He simply watched as
she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of
odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her
head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made
him feel terrible, but then made him laugh. Typical Muley mistake!

Here's the thing. When Muley laughed, he found it hard to keep things
"clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an
explosive issue burst forth from his nether region. Some were so loud
and echoing that he was later told a few folks in other aisles had
ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a
shotgun!

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and he raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that he'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
place.

Luck was on his side. Just in the nick of time he got to the john,
began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat
because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in
while Muley was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock
and Awe". The guy made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
"Sonofa*****!", then quickly left.

Once finished Muley left the restroom, reacquired his partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a Walmart employee
approached him and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a
few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the
store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute
or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me him again, causing residual gases to escape him.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and, pointing at Muley in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S
YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. Muley
was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too
kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, Muley realized that there was
nothing to eat but leftover chili, so he lit a joint and shortly
consumed two more bowls of chile. The next day he went to
shop at Albertson's. He wouldn't say anymore about that because he is
in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have
to repaint the store..